Headwinds-Expedition Dust day 103

From the comfort of my sleeping bag and away from the hoards of flies outside I checked the weather on my Garmin inreach device from my sponsor Trackmenz. Unfortunately it was strong winds from the south east. Dad got up and got the fire going. The spot we were camping at was like a mine field for prickles and the moment the sun was high enough to heat the ground, out came the biggest bull ants I have ever seen. I poured water into the pot from my 10L bag on the back of my bike and set it up over the fire to boil for breakfast. Both dad and I started packing up our gear so that once we had eaten we could get on the road. We talked about how big the day was going to be, dad said he was going to need to rest every few hours so he didn’t pass out before the end of the day. I was happy with that because I knew it was going to be a bloody hard day. As I was putting the final strap over the trailer the stick holding the bike up snapped sending everything flying out of my trailer and onto the ground, it was not a good start to the day. It didn’t take long to clean up with dad holding the bike for me and once sorted we followed a cattle track back to the sealed road.

The biking began just after nine, the wind had picked up by this point, right from the get go dad and I were both struggling in the wind. Riding into the wind makes traveling twice as hard  it’s like having the breaks half on while trying to ride. To make it easier I drafted dad as a wind break for the first 20min and then he did the same with me, when he got behind me he noticed my trailer was crooked. I stoped to check it out and found that the tempererary bit of wire I had been using to hold the pin that holds the trailer wheel in place had snapped off and the wheel was close to falling off. It was an easy fix and was very lucky dad spotted it before the pin fell out completely. We span problem free for the next 2 hours, I could tell dad was getting sore because he kept standing up when he was riding to give his bum a rest. It actually reminded me of when Dylan was riding with me, he used to do the same thing and just say it was because he just liked riding standing up but these fully laden bikes are a lot easier to ride sitting down. The road seemed longer than it was, when it’s sealed I think mentally it feels like you should be able go really far and fast but like today if the conditions don’t allow you to go the speed you want, then you are going slow. We pulled over after 30km to have a bite to eat. After lunch I got annoyed with dad because he kept trying to talk to me over the wind and I just couldn’t hear him nor could he hear me. I rode off ahead about 200m so I didn’t have to try and listen and that solved the problem for us both. While I was riding along I came across a land Cruiser badge that had fallen of a truck, I snapped the land part of and attached the cruiser part to the back of my bike. In the afternoon dad decided to crack his not funny jokes that never end. I don’t actually know half the time weather he is joking or not. We both agree that he is a poetic nightmare. Maybe I should get him a joke book and solve that problem too! I very quickly got annoyed with myself for getting annoyed at things like that, it’s not the best version of me. As nice as this is spending time with my dad is very hard on my head. As I said in my post yesterday he was always my trigger person and still my tolerance for him hardly exists. I wish and want for us to get along but I can’t stop myself from getting angry and anoyed. I constantly find myself taking deep breaths trying with all my might to swallow any narcissistic comments! Most of the time I’m successful and don’t say anything but towards the end of the day when I’m tired, hungry and my head is going into information overload I really struggle. I love my dad and wouldn’t change anything about him but the person I am around him is not to my own liking. My father and I are very similar but have very different life views. The complicated puzzle of family dynamics is one that I would rather not try and complete. I sometimes feel in my last life I was part of a pack of wolves as I am very in tune with my animalistic nature. I created psychological scars when I was a child that will never go away, they will only fade with time.

The truth is having my father here makes me feel like a bad person. It’s a constant reminder of the mental damage I inflicted on the people who I knew would never leave or stop loving. I am highly intune with the purpose of others actions and can see the way my dad acts around me is a representation of the way I was a a child and it hurts. Everything he says or does is governed by fear of my reactions. The normal brain might say why “Why don’t you fix it? Use this time to be a better version of yourself?” I wish I could control the way i act and feel 100% of the time, I do try my best but when I’m around my dad I seem to almost completely lose the ability to communicate using his love language of kindness. Around my dad I lose control of the me I have spent the last 7 years creating. The answer to question of why, is one I have spent the last 7 years trying to discover, unfortunately it’s a question with no answer or it’s one I will only find once my father goes back to the earth. None of this is his fault but all I know is my soul is hurting right now. In the afternoon we crossed into the first farm that I have seen sheep in. The fact that natures spring has begun became more obvious as there was little lambs running around everywhere. High in the sky the wedge tailed eagles were soring, scanning and waiting for the birth of new life for an easy meal. On my map I could see there was a river that the road went over, it was 10km further than we actually wanted to travel but as we are in channel country there was the possibility of water for me to try catch some yabbys. Anyway, I decided that it was the perfect spot to camp, dad liked the idea as it ment a shorter day tomorrow.

We passed though a section of road that was covered in the remains of big birds of pray it looked as though they had been shot by someone probably to protect the lambs, It was a classic example of human interference. The camp spot at the river was dry not even soft mud on the river bed. As the sun had already set we got camp set up as fast as we could. I made the fire and dad started on the tent. Tonight on the menu was Radix! Mexican organic beef for me and dad had organic venison with leek and thyme! I made a batch of damper to eat with our meals. We listened to the road trains on the road in the distance. Once the day was done I crawled into the tent sore and tired from a big day on the bike.