It takes a lot of strength to make a decision completely for yourself. After so many tears and discussions with Brando, it’s with the heaviest and saddest heart that I’ve decided to not continue with the expedition.
It’s not that I don’t want to be there, I was surrounded by the most gorgeous scenery and had the best company you could ever ask for, it’s that what we were doing all day every day wasn’t making me happy, and it was defeating the purpose of the expedition.
The reason I took on this adventure is because I think that not enough people say yes to opportunities to do what they want and they base their decisions around what other people think. Saying yes to this opportunity was right for me at the time, and it was absolutely what I needed.
The reason I have decided to change paths is for the exact same reason. I was so scared of letting everyone down and felt so much pressure to finish this insane journey that when things weren’t going well I didn’t really have time to think if finishing the expedition was what was right for me. I was putting my body and mind through more than it’s ever been through to the point where it was detrimental to myself and I was beating myself up.
No one was in my shoes. No matter how many words of encouragement or strength and love sent (which I absolutely adored), no one but me will ever know how hard it was for me, and there is just no words to explain. I was spending those six gruelling days not in the best headspace, I wasn’t fast enough to get Brando and I as a team to the next water stop, things were getting risky, I was hurting physically and mentally and felt like a burden to Brando. When you spend the entire day only looking forward to the camp fire at night, that’s when you know that something is wrong and you’re not doing what you’re meant to be doing.
Words seriously cannot describe how hard this adventure was, I fell off my bike 52 times! Two of those falls were really bad. That’s quite an impressive effort. But it came to a point where I needed to do what was best for my body and mind, and pushing it to the absolute limit wasn’t healthy for anyone. Brando and I could both tell I was losing my confidence and that things weren’t right. He didn’t want to see me hurting and I didn’t want to see him worrying. It wasn’t fair on him.
On the morning Brando and I talked about what was going on, I asked him if he thought he’d chosen the wrong person to take on this expedition, his answer was simple. “I didn’t take the wrong person, it’s just the wrong adventure”.
I made a promise to Brando that if I couldn’t go on with the expedition, it’s not me giving up, its not me failing, it’s simply me changing agendas, I’m finding the right adventure for me.
I may not have crossed an entire continent on a pushbike like I wanted to, but I did something that so may others would be scared to do. I survived six days carrying double my weight on a push bike and trailer in the hottest, toughest, disgustingly big sand dunes, four wheel drive track that I swear isn’t even designed for four wheel drive trucks, the roughest non existent road beyond your imagination. So I’m proud that I said yes, I’m proud that I gave it everything I had, and I’m proud of what I have accomplished, and I’m even more proud that I can acknowledge that I can’t do it, and no one can ever take that experience and lesson away from me.
I am so so upset I couldn’t get any further though. I am sad for Brando, and I really do wish I could be there with him, and I hope my decision isn’t hurting him anymore than it’s hurting me.
I’m 52 times more resilient than I was when I started, and that is all thanks to Brando. So thank you Brando for helping me rediscover myself, and know that you did not fail me. I am so proud of you and I’ll be waiting for you at the finish line with open arms and a fresh juice.
All my love, Loren xx